Kehna Hei Kya Ye Nein Ek Anjaan Se Jo Mile (कहना है क्या, ये नैन एक अनजान से जब मिले)

गुमसुम गुमसुम गुपचुप

गुमसुम गुपचुप 

गुमसुम गुमसुम गुपचुप 

गुमसुम गुपचुप 

हलचल हलचल हो गयी

तेरी होंठ है क्यों चुप

हलचल हलचल हो गयी

तेरी बैठे हैं गुपचुप

प्यारे प्यारे चेहरे ने

करते हैं इशारा

देखा तेरी आँखों ने है

सपना कोई प्यारा

हमसे गोरी न तू शर्मा

केहदे हमसे ज़रा

हमसे गोरी न तू शर्मा

केहदे हमसे ज़रा

कहना है क्या ये नैन

एक अनजान से जो मिले

चलने लगे मोहब्बत के

जैसे ये सिलसिले

अरमान नए ऐसे दिल में खिले

जिनको कभी मैं न जानूं

वो हमसे हम उनसे कभी न मिले

कैसे मिले दिल न जानूं

अब क्या करें क्या नाम लें

कैसे उन्हें मैं पुकारूँ

कहना है क्या ये नैन

एक अनजान से जो मिले

चलने लगे मोहब्बत के

जैसे ये सिलसिले

अरमान नए ऐसे दिल में खिले

जिनको कभी मैं न जानूं

वो हमसे हम उनसे कभी न मिले

कैसे मिले दिल न जानूं

अब क्या करें क्या नाम लें

कैसे उन्हें मैं पुकारूँ

गावापा पा पा आआ आआआ  

गावापा पा पा नी निशानी पा पा 

सासा नीसा सासा नी सा 

नीसा नीसा नीसा नीसा 

पहली ही नज़र में

कुछ हम कुछ तुम

हो जाते हैं यूं गुम

नैनों से बरसे रिमझिम रिमझिम

हमपे प्यार का सावन

शर्म थोड़ी थोड़ी हमको

आये तो नज़रें झुक जाएँ

सितम थोडा थोडा हमपे

शोख हवा भी कर जाएँ

ऐसी चली आँचल उड़े 

दिल में एक तूफ़ान उठे

हम तो लुट गए खड़े ही खड़े

कहना है क्या ये नैन

एक अनजान से जो मिले

चलने लगे मोहब्बत के

जैसे ये सिलसिले

अरमान नए ऐसे दिल में खिले

जिनको कभी मैं न जानूं

वो हमसे हम उनसे कभी ना मिले

कैसे मिले दिल न जानूं

अब क्या करें क्या नाम लें

कैसे उन्हें मैं पुकारूँ

गुमसुम गुमसुम गुपचुप

गुमसुम गुपचुप 

गुमसुम गुमसुम गुपचुप 

गुमसुम गुपचुप 

हलचल हलचल हो गयी

तेरी होंठ है क्यों चुप

हलचल हलचल हो

गयी तेरी बैठे हैं गुपचुप

प्यारे प्यारे चेहरे ने

करते हैं इशारा

देखा तेरी आँखों ने है

सपना कोई प्यारा

हमसे गोरी न तू शर्मा

केहदे हमसे ज़रा

हमसे गोरी न तू शर्मा

केहदे हमसे ज़रा

इन होंठों ने माँगा

सरगम सरगम

तू और तेरा ही प्यार है

आज ढूंढें है जिसको

हरदम हरदम

तू और तेरा ही प्यार है

महफ़िल में भी तनहा है

दिल ऐसे दिल ऐसे

तुझको खो न दे

डरता है ये ऐसे ये ऐसे

आज मिली ऐसी ख़ुशी

झूम उठी दुनिया ये मेरी

तुमको पाया तो पायी ज़िन्दगी

कहना ही क्या ये नैन

एक अनजान से जो मिले

चलने लगे मोहब्बत

के जैसे ये सिलसिले

अरमान नए ऐसे दिल में खिले

जिनको कभी मैं न जानूं

वो हमसे हम उनसे कभी न मिले

कैसे मिले दिल न जानूं

अब क्या करें क्या नाम लें

कैसे उन्हें मैं पुकारूँ

कहना है क्या ये नैन

इक अनजान से जो मिले

चलने लगे मोहब्बत

के जैसे ये सिलसिले

कहना है क्या.

Shame

Shuts us down from our dear ones
Causes to have a tough time around people we know,
and opens us up to strangers.

Creates isolation,
strong feelings and emotion,
Any mistake if we ever make,
we beat ourselves, and more blame we take,
even in situations we never had control over,
makes us feel like we had a huge stake.
(always looks like it was our fault)

Creates a belief infection
that every failure looks like a rejection
Squeezes all energy out like juice from a lemon.
Penetrates the soul like a termite infestation
Steals our worthiness and self-esteem
Inhibits our interaction with people in close relation
Makes us feel hollow,
that we cant even follow.

(Is there something seriously wrong with me?)

[Shame]

What helps is empathy,
but worse- it can even make it look like sympathy

Attracts a lot of perfectionists
ruins lives of famous people
Generates fear and places them on backseat

Fuels us to exhibit blame
and play an unhealthy game
Thank God it has a name,
Yes, it is called shame.
(Have you ever heard the term "shaming people?")

It is a very natural feeling
if understood and managed well
if acknowledged and accepted well

An emotion universally felt
and in-fact very well dealt
Protects us from dangerous situations,
Encourages us to be nice
healthy and even wise
(Ever realized how shame makes us wise?)

The key is to recognize and accept,
walk through it being patient,
with self-care and self-compassion.
Just talking about it brings back belonging and self-respect,
and weakens its strength quotient.

The more you speak about it,
the less you are likely to have it
(the above lines have been borrowed - from guess?)
But you need to start from a safe space
and gradually take to next phase,
before engaging with it directly in a public place.

Women seem to have an edge
with this 'self-complementary' feeling,
in recognizing, as well as accepting,
and shredding it at a speed thats blazing.
But it seems they end-up in such situations more and more.

The trick is to tame,
the internal voice fueling the flame
that says: you are never enough or
you are self-obsessed and lame,
convincing that you will always be the same,
rather than engaging in a blame game,
and consistently aim,
to manage it with acclaim.

Thank God it has a name,
Yes, it is called shame.

Search for the light

 This eye is in search for the light, even today,

 Where have you been, as this heart is as restless still, even today.

 That urge, for which we circled the entire world,

 got hurt on an innocent path, it still exists the same, even today.

  

 Very sure its untrue, but it feels like,

 there is still spring for me, somewhere even today.

 Wont be surprised, if it turns out to be fake,

 like the diamond that's just a stone,

 and its the light that makes it look precious even today.

 Call it the pride, pain or the shame, 

 the desire, love or the need to be seen,

 this light that makes even the un-habitable moon shine, 

 from absolutely nothing to full bright in a couple of weeks even today. 

This eye is in search for the light, even today,

Where have you been, as this heart is as restless still, even today.

  

Chahat na hoti, kuch bhi na hota (चाहत न होती कुछ भी न होता)

00:30

चाहत नदियां, चाहत सागर,
चाहत धरती , चाहत अम्बर
चाहत राधा, चाहत गिरधर, 
दिल का धड़कना यही चाहत है, 
नींद न आना यही चाहत है
चाहत न होती कुछ भी न होता, 
चाहत न होती कुछ भी न होता, 
मैं भी न होती, तू भी न होता 
मैं भी न होती, तू भी न होता 

01:24
दिल का धड़कना यही चाहत है, 
नींद न आना यही चाहत है
चाहत न होती कुछ भी न होता, 
चाहत न होती कुछ भी न होता,

तू भी न होती, मैं भी न होता 

तू भी न होती, मैं भी न होता 

02:23

तुम मुझसे अलग कब हो, 
मैं तुझसे जुदा कब हूँ 
पानी में कमल जैसे, 
रहते हो मुझी मैं तुम,
देखूं तो तुम्हें देखूं, 
सोचूँ तो तुम्हें सोचूं, 
सागर में नदी जैसे, 
बहते हो मुझी में तुम

 

03:23

चाहत खुशबू, चाहत रंगत, 

चाहत मूरत, चाहत कुदरत , 
चाहत गंगा, चाहत जमुना, 
होश गवाना यही चाहत है, 
जान से जाना, यही चाहत है, 
चाहत न होती, कुछ भी न होता, 
चाहत न होती, कुछ भी न होता, 
मैं भी न होता, तू भी न होता, 
तू भी न होती, मैं भी न होता !!

04:50

जब तू नहीं होता है , 
उस वक़्त भी हर शय में,  
हर गीत में, हर लय में, 
तू ही नज़र आता है. 
हाँ, बिखरा के कभी ज़ुल्फ़ें, 
चमकाके कभी चेहरा, 
तुम ही मेरी दुनिया के 
दिन रात सजाते हो 

 

05:50

चाहत घूंघट, चाहत दर्पण, 
चाहत सजनी, चाहत साजन 
चाहत पूजा, चाहत दर्शन

आँख भर आना, यही चाहत है, 

जी घबराना यही चाहत है 

चाहत न होती, कुछ भी न होता, 
चाहत न होती, कुछ भी न होता, 
मैं भी न  होती, तू भी न होता, 

तू भी न होती, मैं भी न होता !!

 

Vunlerability : The human need to be seen

Arrival(2016) : Louise removing her protective
 suit to show herself to the aliens.

           At one point in the movie Arrival(2016), where humans are trying to communicate with the aliens who landed on earth, Louise removes her suit and says "They need to see me!!" . Being vulnerable is extremely important in establishing strong meaningful connections. Vulnerability is not weakness, it just means to allow being seen. "Being vulnerable is not displaying your weakness, it means letting know you are normal, imperfect, prone to mistakes like anybody else but still worthy of love and belonging". Its a remarkable feature of being human". Vulnerability provides the capacity to build stronger connections and great relationships.      

Arrival(2016) : Louise moving towards
the screen in an attempt to connect meaningfully
with the aliens.

           However, one needs to be vulnerable to an extent appropriate to the situation, just the right amount depending on the people we are interacting with. Being too vulnerable can at times be potentially dangerous, you risk shaming yourself, providing opportunities to others to control you, make fun of you or misuse you. Sharing your extreme irresistibly towards ice-cream can lead a hawker to sell ice-cream at higher price since they are convinced you will buy from them. Conveying your urgent need of garments for an event to a salesperson can cause him to take undue benefits from you. Talking publicly about your misfortune can be more harmful than helpful. At times, it can scare others, make them feel awkward or obliged to reciprocate back by sharing about themselves and cause them to avoid you completely. However, sharing the right amount is the key. Letting the ice-cream hawker know that you like ice-cream can make him feel more important. You may get better service (e.g making sure to check if you need ice-cream whenever he is passing by)  or receive some great offers for being his regular customer. Similarly, talking about your misfortune to a close friend or loved one who knows you well enough can be very helpful. Expressing your feelings in healthy way will make you more comfortable, also make your friend feel trustworthy and strengthen the relationship bond between both. It also lets him know that you can be trusted, and misfortunes are part of everybody's life.

Arrival(2016) :Louise touches the screen and the alien
reciprocates by doing the same.

             In summary, meaningful relationships are formed and strengthened when the extent of vulnerability is just appropriate. In any case, an individual learns to establish this right balance only through trying, practicing and experimenting what works and what doesn't. With more and more experiences without judgement and evaluation, one can easily learn to strike the balance. People who think in black-and-white (all or none thinking) can have extreme trouble understanding and establishing this balance. When in distress, they may become vulnerable to strangers causing them more damage. Or otherwise try to hide their feelings within themselves leading to an unhealthy outburst of anger and emotions. Hiding feelings from close people can make them feel unimportant and cause damage to existing relationships.          

Do you sleep ?. I don't, just kidding

     Do you sleep? Actually I don’t, na I'm just kidding. Sleep is an activity that takes up about one third of our life. Human beings sleep about 7-9 hours a day on an average with newborns about 14-17 hours every day. Cats sleep 70% of their life (16-20 hours a day). Dolphins sleep with one half of their brains at rest and other half still active (e.g right brain with left eye closed). Snails sleep about 2-3 days at a time and can sleep up to 3 years at once during harsh living conditions (winter, dry conditions). Sleep is necessary for healthy functioning of our body, mind and soul. Sleep helps in consolidation of memories in our brain, improves memory, sharpens attention and lowers stress. Sleep deficiency can cause problems in decision making, problem solving, learning and attention.
   
      Facts and reasons apart, sleep comes with some amazing features. Everyone is eligible for it; there is no need to be over 18 or need have a license to avail it. Always available and in unlimited quantities; you can even nap at your office desk or doze-off during a meeting, but not without the risk of embarrassing yourself or getting fired. As a fun fact, sleeping during working hours (inemuri) in Japan is considered as a sign of dedication indicating that you have been exhausted out of working hard. You don't have to remind yourself to carry it along with you (such as laptop, bag pack, identity card or credit card). And sometimes, you are selected to experience bonus movie clips (yeah! dreams). Sleep doesn't come in many varieties, thus eliminating the paradox of choice that occurs with other products (such as grocery, outfits). It is a completely individualistic and personal experience, and no one else can steal it or use it; although they can interrupt you from having it. And on top of it, it is available absolutely free of cost, there are no membership fees (like gym) or any onetime fees associated with it.
   
       Even with so many benefits, we are constantly sleeping less and less these days. Before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in 1880’s, we slept on an average about 10 hrs a day, which has now reduced to about 6 . Sleeping less has become a sign of smartness and often considered a waste of time. People believe in a myth that they can catch-up sleep at weekends.
   
      Here are some tips for sleeping well. Have a regular schedule of going to bed and getting up. In fact, I would say don't schedule it, but schedule everything else around it (like you would do for a favorite activity). Physical exercise, a few hours before going to bed helps in falling asleep. Avoid drinking caffeine during the night. Allow about 30 minutes of time away from electronic gadgets before going to bed.

      We need to reap the benefits of sleep as much as we can, as its commercialization is not too far. With modern day sleep habits, its demand is going to skyrocket soon. We may soon have to pay to rent or use it, negotiate for sleep allowance hours with our employer, or take a membership of a sleep club for motivation. Atleast, we don't want to say to our friends: “I sleep on Tuesday's & Thursday's 2-3.30 pm”.
   
      Sleep is like a fountain that recharges the body much like happiness recharges the soul. Let’s cherish every moment of it!!

Building Resiliency: Bouncing back from our disappointments

Stephanie missed the class last week. Her dog died, she was sad. One of our group members, Stacey felt really sorry for her. However, she responded: "It was just a dog." Later that day, I noticed her having a fun time with all other friends in the classroom.

Baldwin, mentioned that his mother passed away.  I was shocked to hear it. But then, he said: "I just need a few days (may be this week), and then I will be fine."  After about a week, he looked completely fine.

Aurora was very excited that she was pregnant. After a few weeks, she had a miscarriage and that upset her badly. After a while, she shared it with all her friends in the group who felt deeply sorry for her. However, I noticed her say: "This is very common. Many women have problems the first time, specially when the body hasn't experienced yet."

One of my friends, Rahul had a hard day at this office. He was working on a computer program to accomplish an important task, but could not make it run with the desired outcome. He seemed distressed and upset. While driving his car and sharing this with me, he said "I think I need to go and hit the gym. That will definitely make me feel better".

Anjali's passport got stolen when she was on a domestic trip within USA. She felt devastated and realized that she can't travel further, would be stuck there and will eventually have to abandon the trip. All her friends felt deeply sorry for her. One friend was nice to help her follow the process of getting a new expedited passport. In a couple of days, she got her new passport and happily joined her friends during the last stage of the trip.

A particular day in my class, we were all asked to write a few words about what we thought our identity was. I had only three words to describe myself. One friend wrote a whole paragraph, while Tracia's notebook was completely blank. We were perplexed. I saw her face turned grim and sad as she spoke - "I don't know what to write. I don't have an identity. I was adopted and don't know anything about by biological parents." Identity has always been thought linked to biological parents, based on the popular belief that we inherit all our qualities and behaviour through genes. However, minutes later when asked to speak, she described her thoughts of her identity really well.

Brooke dated this guy for one and half years, but suddenly one fine day, he disappeared. After about a month, she received an email from him saying, he had to leave the city for work and wanted the relationship to end. Brooke was heart-broken, felt betrayed and terribly upset about this sudden breakup. After a few days, when her friends came to know about this, they felt really sorry for her. However, she responded - "He was a bloody cheater, an ass-hole!!".  

    How do we bounce back from our disappointments ?  Infact, how do we feel when we are going through it ? Does just trying to be deliberately positive help ?  Do people around us make us feel more embarrassed in such a situation,  since they themselves aren't going through it ?  Do we think others ever understand our situation ? or Do they help us by creating belongingness - listening to us, expressing empathy and making us realize that disappointments happen with everyone and we are not alone ? 

Further, how should one respond to us in this situation ? Especially if one is very close ? Does dissociating from the unpleasant subject/event, washing your hands and responsibility off it , thinking that nothing much could have been done, help in anyway ? 

In one of her books (see [1] and [2]), researcher Dr Brown says that a feeling of shame starts surrounding us when we are disappointed, we realize we are not enough, and we justify ourselves thinking we could have done something to prevent the unpleasant event to happen. Hence,we think we are not worthy of love and belonging. Some get angry on self, others go into depression, some stop talking to their friends and loved ones leading to isolate themselves. However, in reality, we need to come back stronger, walking through the feeling of shame by talking to people around us who are supportive. Expressing your disappointment with a loved one reduces the intensity of suffering. Getting busy in another activity diverts the mind off the incident and allows time to pass which helps in healing the wound quicker. Being in multiple social circles and knowing that everyone goes through disappointments on a regular basis, can provide evidence in realizing that you are not alone and you are not to be blamed for it.

Some people seem to be naturally resilient. Others develop this skill during their childhood. However, is this skill something that can be developed later in adulthood through deliberate practice ? What factors impact resilience ? Recent research has shown some important factors that impact resilience: socio-economic status, parental support, parenting styles, experience,close friends, and even spirituality . Researcher Carol Dweck's research on mindset says that people generally fall into one of the

                                                                 

 

A slow motion visualization of the impact(142mph) between a tennis ball and a raquet. Notice, how the ball and raquet, both comeback back to their original shape. (Courtesy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJmMmgrqoOo&feature=youtu.be)

two mindsets - entity or incremental. Entity view sees that traits are fixed and cannot be changed. Incremental view sees that behaviour, habits and skills can be developed through deliberate conscious efforts through repetition in a progressive way. It has been seen that people learn driving at a later age, play new sports and even learn new languages in late adulthood. Cognitive science has helped us know the process of how people learn a new skill. Infact, we are wired to learn new things, however the process may be slow at a later age. 

Here is a set of concrete steps that I think help in building resiliency. These steps are based on my readings (in references), and my own experiences. I believe all resilient people follow this process - though some may break it down to further steps, some may combine them, some may not even know they use them and others may have achieved automaticity in using them through extensive practice earlier in their lives.

1) Acknowledge the disappointment and its source. A lot of times, we may fail to recognize the event mentally and may even negate the fact that it is an unpleasant event. It is important to be aware. "Yes, it has happened to me. There is no way to not believe it."

2) Accept the fact that disappointment is a normal event in one's life. In fact, a person has to go through many such disappointments through the course of his/her lifetime. It doesn't make us any different, or make us unworthy of existence, love or belonging. During those times, many of us avoid accepting it and constantly/repeatedly think, that we could have done something to prevent it. We tend to blame ourselves, even though we already gave our best in those circumstances. Like if it were a movie and somehow we can rewind and edit the sequence of events to avoid the result. A feeling of isolation captures us and we start covering ourselves with shame or embarrassment. However, it becomes absolutely necessary to accept the present real state in-spite of its unpleasantness. Many people knowingly or unknowingly do this - they take a walk, go for swimming or meditate for a few minutes. Its just giving yourself sometime to accommodate what just happened.

3) Express your feelings to a loved one or a good friend. Remember, the person has to be one who is worthy of hearing our feelings, understands us completely (in-spite of out imperfections) and capable of providing empathy. Dr Brown suggests certain types of people whom you probably need to avoid in such a situation - one who says: "How did you let this happen"? , "Listen, what happened to me!", one who catastrophes and creates another problem , one who takes advantage of the opportunity , or one who points out your imperfection. In-fact, I think there can be many of them. These responses are also called empathy blockers that can be deadly in such a situation and exacerbate our pain. Many people already know that just talking about our feelings to someone, makes us function better. This step is crucial and very tough, as we need to act exactly opposite to how we feel - i.e the fact that we have already justified ourselves as worthless and finding and trusting someone becomes more difficult. Hence, sometimes it helps to talk to someone who understands us well and accepts us unconditionally. At times, even talking to a group, counselor or a therapist can be helpful. The process of expressing our feelings creates cracks on the layer of shame or embarrassment we developed earlier, weakens it and enables us to pop out our head through it and notice that our justification was just an illusion, nothing is wrong with us and we are indeed enough.

4) Empathy is said to be the antidote of shame (see [1]). If the person listening to us is empathetic, understands what we are going through and describes similar experiences from his/her life, it immediately makes us feel that we are not alone. The sense of belonging comes back gradually and we eventually realize that we are completely fine and having such disappointment is completely normal. Imagine this state as a rubber ball coming back into shape after being deformed.  

5) Take Action At this stage, we have bounced back, and in a better state to take an appropriate action to the event. Note, taking an action earlier, when we are under high emotions - deeply traumatized, angry, aroused, elated can result in impaired judgement and undesired results. It may lead to further disappointments, more anxiety, worry and a very low self-worth. Take inputs from experts and well-wishers in this situation if you have access to them.

6) Reflect  Once recovery is complete, it is important to reflect back and see how we went through the event. Writing down in a journal, discussing about it with someone (if you feel comfortable) and sharing our experience in a group or a community, can get us some valuable feedback, new ideas to handle or avoid such events, more insights about ourselves and helps in building our resiliency and boosting our self-efficacy.

If you liked the post, do comment below what you think about this process !! Also, share (if you want to) what you think on how to come back after disappointments ? You can also email me at sksamal@gmail.com or contact me anonymously at (cse.unl.edu/~ssamal/contact)

References:

[1] Brown B. The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life.

[2] Brown B. Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution.

[3] Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience: Working paper, www.developingchild.harvard.edu

[4] Graber R, Pichon F, Carabine E. Psychological resilience: state of knowledge and future research agendas.