Stephanie missed the class last week. Her dog died, she was sad. One of our group members, Stacey felt really sorry for her. However, she responded: "It was just a dog." Later that day, I noticed her having a fun time with all other friends in the classroom.
Baldwin, mentioned that his mother passed away. I was shocked to hear it. But then, he said: "I just need a few days (may be this week), and then I will be fine." After about a week, he looked completely fine.
Aurora was very excited that she was pregnant. After a few weeks, she had a miscarriage and that upset her badly. After a while, she shared it with all her friends in the group who felt deeply sorry for her. However, I noticed her say: "This is very common. Many women have problems the first time, specially when the body hasn't experienced yet."
One of my friends, Rahul had a hard day at this office. He was working on a computer program to accomplish an important task, but could not make it run with the desired outcome. He seemed distressed and upset. While driving his car and sharing this with me, he said "I think I need to go and hit the gym. That will definitely make me feel better".
Anjali's passport got stolen when she was on a domestic trip within USA. She felt devastated and realized that she can't travel further, would be stuck there and will eventually have to abandon the trip. All her friends felt deeply sorry for her. One friend was nice to help her follow the process of getting a new expedited passport. In a couple of days, she got her new passport and happily joined her friends during the last stage of the trip.
A particular day in my class, we were all asked to write a few words about what we thought our identity was. I had only three words to describe myself. One friend wrote a whole paragraph, while Tracia's notebook was completely blank. We were perplexed. I saw her face turned grim and sad as she spoke - "I don't know what to write. I don't have an identity. I was adopted and don't know anything about by biological parents." Identity has always been thought linked to biological parents, based on the popular belief that we inherit all our qualities and behaviour through genes. However, minutes later when asked to speak, she described her thoughts of her identity really well.
Brooke dated this guy for one and half years, but suddenly one fine day, he disappeared. After about a month, she received an email from him saying, he had to leave the city for work and wanted the relationship to end. Brooke was heart-broken, felt betrayed and terribly upset about this sudden breakup. After a few days, when her friends came to know about this, they felt really sorry for her. However, she responded - "He was a bloody cheater, an ass-hole!!".
How do we bounce back from our disappointments ? Infact, how do we feel when we are going through it ? Does just trying to be deliberately positive help ? Do people around us make us feel more embarrassed in such a situation, since they themselves aren't going through it ? Do we think others ever understand our situation ? or Do they help us by creating belongingness - listening to us, expressing empathy and making us realize that disappointments happen with everyone and we are not alone ?
Further, how should one respond to us in this situation ? Especially if one is very close ? Does dissociating from the unpleasant subject/event, washing your hands and responsibility off it , thinking that nothing much could have been done, help in anyway ?
In one of her books (see [1] and [2]), researcher Dr Brown says that a feeling of shame starts surrounding us when we are disappointed, we realize we are not enough, and we justify ourselves thinking we could have done something to prevent the unpleasant event to happen. Hence,we think we are not worthy of love and belonging. Some get angry on self, others go into depression, some stop talking to their friends and loved ones leading to isolate themselves. However, in reality, we need to come back stronger, walking through the feeling of shame by talking to people around us who are supportive. Expressing your disappointment with a loved one reduces the intensity of suffering. Getting busy in another activity diverts the mind off the incident and allows time to pass which helps in healing the wound quicker. Being in multiple social circles and knowing that everyone goes through disappointments on a regular basis, can provide evidence in realizing that you are not alone and you are not to be blamed for it.
Some people seem to be naturally resilient. Others develop this skill during their childhood. However, is this skill something that can be developed later in adulthood through deliberate practice ? What factors impact resilience ? Recent research has shown some important factors that impact resilience: socio-economic status, parental support, parenting styles, experience,close friends, and even spirituality . Researcher Carol Dweck's research on mindset says that people generally fall into one of the
two mindsets - entity or incremental. Entity view sees that traits are fixed and cannot be changed. Incremental view sees that behaviour, habits and skills can be developed through deliberate conscious efforts through repetition in a progressive way. It has been seen that people learn driving at a later age, play new sports and even learn new languages in late adulthood. Cognitive science has helped us know the process of how people learn a new skill. Infact, we are wired to learn new things, however the process may be slow at a later age.
A
slow motion visualization of the impact(142mph) between a tennis ball and a raquet. Notice, how the ball and raquet, both comeback back to their original shape. (Courtesy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJmMmgrqoOo&feature=youtu.be)
Here is a set of concrete steps that I think help in building resiliency. These steps are based on my readings (in references), and my own experiences. I believe all resilient people follow this process - though some may break it down to further steps, some may combine them, some may not even know they use them and others may have achieved automaticity in using them through extensive practice earlier in their lives.
1) Acknowledge the disappointment and its source. A lot of times, we may fail to recognize the event mentally and may even negate the fact that it is an unpleasant event. It is important to be aware. "Yes, it has happened to me. There is no way to not believe it."
2) Accept the fact that disappointment is a normal event in one's life. In fact, a person has to go through many such disappointments through the course of his/her lifetime. It doesn't make us any different, or make us unworthy of existence, love or belonging. During those times, many of us avoid accepting it and constantly/repeatedly think, that we could have done something to prevent it. We tend to blame ourselves, even though we already gave our best in those circumstances. Like if it were a movie and somehow we can rewind and edit the sequence of events to avoid the result. A feeling of isolation captures us and we start covering ourselves with shame or embarrassment. However, it becomes absolutely necessary to accept the present real state in-spite of its unpleasantness. Many people knowingly or unknowingly do this - they take a walk, go for swimming or meditate for a few minutes. Its just giving yourself sometime to accommodate what just happened.
3) Express your feelings to a loved one or a good friend. Remember, the person has to be one who is worthy of hearing our feelings, understands us completely (in-spite of out imperfections) and capable of providing empathy. Dr Brown suggests certain types of people whom you probably need to avoid in such a situation - one who says: "How did you let this happen"? , "Listen, what happened to me!", one who catastrophes and creates another problem , one who takes advantage of the opportunity , or one who points out your imperfection. In-fact, I think there can be many of them. These responses are also called empathy blockers that can be deadly in such a situation and exacerbate our pain. Many people already know that just talking about our feelings to someone, makes us function better. This step is crucial and very tough, as we need to act exactly opposite to how we feel - i.e the fact that we have already justified ourselves as worthless and finding and trusting someone becomes more difficult. Hence, sometimes it helps to talk to someone who understands us well and accepts us unconditionally. At times, even talking to a group, counselor or a therapist can be helpful. The process of expressing our feelings creates cracks on the layer of shame or embarrassment we developed earlier, weakens it and enables us to pop out our head through it and notice that our justification was just an illusion, nothing is wrong with us and we are indeed enough.
4) Empathy is said to be the antidote of shame (see [1]). If the person listening to us is empathetic, understands what we are going through and describes similar experiences from his/her life, it immediately makes us feel that we are not alone. The sense of belonging comes back gradually and we eventually realize that we are completely fine and having such disappointment is completely normal. Imagine this state as a rubber ball coming back into shape after being deformed.
5) Take Action At this stage, we have bounced back, and in a better state to take an appropriate action to the event. Note, taking an action earlier, when we are under high emotions - deeply traumatized, angry, aroused, elated can result in impaired judgement and undesired results. It may lead to further disappointments, more anxiety, worry and a very low self-worth. Take inputs from experts and well-wishers in this situation if you have access to them.
6) Reflect Once recovery is complete, it is important to reflect back and see how we went through the event. Writing down in a journal, discussing about it with someone (if you feel comfortable) and sharing our experience in a group or a community, can get us some valuable feedback, new ideas to handle or avoid such events, more insights about ourselves and helps in building our resiliency and boosting our self-efficacy.
If you liked the post, do comment below what you think about this process !! Also, share (if you want to) what you think on how to come back after disappointments ? You can also email me at sksamal@gmail.com or contact me anonymously at (cse.unl.edu/~ssamal/contact)
References:
[1] Brown B. The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life.
[2] Brown B. Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution.
[3] Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience: Working paper, www.developingchild.harvard.edu
[4] Graber R, Pichon F, Carabine E. Psychological resilience: state of knowledge and future research agendas.
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